Turning 12

Our son turns 12 next week and I am mulling over rituals to mark this right of passage as our cherub becomes a young man. 

I was raised in the Roman Catholic Church and its ritual would have been Confirmation. I have little memory of that, but it appears five hours of community service were required.  I do remember wearing white, walking down the aisle and choosing Mark as my name.  I chose that name to honor my best friend, who had just suffered a terrible accident in which both his arms were amputated. My choice was one of solidarity. 

The Catholic tradition seems neither my nor my son’s path; I find Christian dogma limiting although Christ consciousness tremendously expansive.  My faith is a work-in-progress while I am seeking alternatives for raising my son. 

In the Amazon, the Satere-Mawe tribe have young men wear a glove filled with bullet ants for 10 minutes.  Pushing the threshold of pain is not quite the path I seek.  In Ethiopia boys jump over a cow, and in Vanuatu they jump from tall towers with vines tied to their ankles, but manliness, to my mind, is more than a measure of strength and courage. 

In the Hebrew tradition the bar mitzvah marks a boy’s coming of age whereupon he begins to assume responsibility for his actions.  Responsibility tied to manhood appeals to me.  13 is the age of Bar Mitzvah but to my mind, manhood is not just the number of years spent on the planet.  It must be earned through understanding.  This ritual, then, is about values and lessons learned.     

During the summer my son and I volunteered frequently at the South Portland Food Cupboard.  It was an enriching experience, and community service seems relevant in his coming of age.  Construction work such as Habitat for Humanity comes to mind.  I have heard of Church Youth Groups who undertake community service projects.  I am looking for local possibilities.  

The insights of other men should be another aspect of this plan.  My nephew, my son’s cousin, did have a Bar Mitzvah and has agreed to talk with him about the experience, and his own coming of age.  A philosopher/carpenter friend has offered to teach more welding, and we may join with a classmate of my son and his father, for a shared experience; working with tools in the act of making.  Another friend, whose son also is the same age, is loaning us a lathe for turning wood, and that may be another opportunity for input from other men in the community.  My son will benefit from hearing more than my views.  

And then there is the topic of sexuality.  My Father’s coming-of-age speech to me was as comic as it was lacking.  It was haltingly brief, when he simply asked, “Do you have any questions?”  Feeling the tension, of course I replied, “No,” whereupon he handed me a paperback book on Catholic morals.  I recall the author was aghast at a recent 6th grade school field trip, where the girls wore red lipstick and hosiery.  Just blame it on the girls remains the dogmatic view.  What I learned of sexuality came from my older Brother and the locker room, but my son deserves better than that.  

The pious among us claim that traditional morality teaches the male as the leader, with male-female relationships the only acceptable norm.  I regret to inform them that history teaches otherwise.  The Christian era has been relatively brief, while Ancient Greece, Rome and China openly practiced homosexuality and pederasty.  LGBTQ may arguably be the historical norm and reversion to the mean would seem natural. My son will benefit from thinking not in centuries but in millenia. 

The process of writing this has become the means to outline a plan.  Among the core values this DIY ritual should include are:

• compassion and cooperation are keys to a healthy masculinity
• no means no, and might does not make right.  
• emotional intelligence has greater value than sheer intellectual horsepower
• listen to your heart, not just your head; be curious, ask questions, follow your passion
• practical problem-solving skills provide a grounded self-confidence
• making is hard-wired in our DNA; art predates agriculture, and therefore civilization itself
• Integrity presumes courage; let your word be your bond
• energy follows thought; actions have consequences